Paper Half-Life 3 – EPISODE FIVE


This episode of Paper Half-Life 3 is brought to you by Monster Energy. Monster, unleash the beast! Sellout! Shut up, I need the money. Hmm. My energy level’s feeling a bit low. Ooo. That’s better- Ow. Like this stuff wasn’t giving me enough of a headache. Is there anything interesting around here? Uh, let’s see. There’s another side quest not too far. Looks like the reward is a skimpy outfit for you, Alyx. Hmm, not bad. And to the south there’s a mod that turns barrels into tacos and gives Alyx some bigger… Uh… Features. Hmm, that’d go well with the outfit. What else? That’s strange. There’s a large Aperture Science research vessel nearby. It’s the Borealis! The Borealis is here? We haven’t even left White Forest. Without a doubt, Alyx. The coordinates we received from Dr. Mossman lie directly… Behind that bush. Okay. We’ve wasted a lot of time on side quests. The Combine’s probably already here trying to reopen their portal. Better bring out the big guns. Ahh! Are you sure this is the spot? I thought the Borealis was in Antarctica or somethin. I don’t understand. Latitude 95, longitude 42, Planetary body… Europa. Europa! You didn’t notice until now the Borealis wasn’t on Earth? Oh no! We’re separated, Gordon! Looks like you’ll have to kill the Strider by yourself. Sorry. So, if we can’t reach the Borealis, then the Combine can’t either. Right? We cannot take that chance. It still must be destroyed. To reach Europa, we’re going to have to open Another portal. Ugh, more portals? Didn’t your last one almost kill Gordon? Uh! Well excuse me! Do you know how difficult it is to generate a portal with no government funding in the basement of a- Okay, we’ll use another portal- Caffeine’s really kicking in. Gordon, you done yet? Uh, again? Keep absolutely still. Their vision is based on movement. Can’t. Too jittery. It’s dead. Monster’s patented energy blend must’ve overloaded its system. No, it looks like it was diabetes. There’s a lot of sugar in this stuff. Gonna take a lot of medkits to fix this. Maybe there’s some in this thing. Alyx… Look! There’s some medkits under the tree. Wait a minute. The Taco-Boob mod! How long is this episode? Maybe we still have- Time, Dr. Freeman. Is it really that time again? Another episode is already over and for what? How much revenue has this brought in? Twenty? Thirty dollars? There never was a Monster sponsorship, was there? None of this is even canon. Why waste your time with another cheap fan-fiction? After all, you’re still stuck in that hangar, aren’t you? You will always be in that hangar. Alright. Is everyone ready? Do it! [sigh] Alright, change it back.

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