Ep 6 – Dallas & Robo “Le Mars”


(music) Welcome back race fans. This is Gene Leondowski
along side Bill Dick-Man. It’s Dickman, actually.
Small but important difference. The big story today is the
return of Dallas Moonshiner
to the world of racing. Bill:We’re in for a real treat,
as we get to watch one of the
most flamboyant drivers
to ever to grab the wheel.
Fun fact Bill, Dallas Moonshiner
has six toes on her left foot. I don’t think
that’s true, Gene. Okay, Robo. I’m hitting
dirty air. I gotta split em. No it’s too early.
There’s not enough room. A race is like beer, Robo.
It’s never too early and
there’s always enough room. Robo:Ah hell,
go for it D-Train!
(tires screeching) -(crash)
-(crowd roaring) (music) Woooo! Back from the dead, Red! God damn, I miss racing! (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) (music) Feels good to stretch the
ol’ legs, take a proper piss, breathe in the fresh-ish air. Truck was getting a little dank. A little dank?
Ernest Francis Coe thinks
that rig’s too swampy. -What?
-Fine. Kermit the Frog
thinks the rig’s too swampy. Ha, ha! I get it, cause
he’s a frog. But wait,
that’s not all my fault. It’s literally all your fault.
I’m made of non-reactive metal. You’re a sack of
rotting groceries. Oh boo-hoo, you’ve
never complained before. That’s because I can’t smell.
Your farts are ones and zeros
to me. More like a big ol’ cloud
of number twos.
Am I right? -Up top.
-Put it down. …With truth,
dignity and civility. So help me, insert your
particular version of God here. All: …With truth,
dignity and civility. So help me, insert your
particular version of God here. Ugh, yeah, close enough.
Congratulations, you are
now citizens of Mars. Don’t forget to pick up
your ten dollar casino
chip and buffet ticket. Hey, great crowd Vic.
Lotta fresh faces. You kidding me?! Should’ve
been three times as
many people on that bus. God damn cannibal
bikers. At least we know
they’re eating well. Well, hey.
If you’re looking
for new citizens, I’m currently a
free agent and
citizenship curious. (laughing)
A robot citizen. Maybe I’ll make
slot machines
citizens too. Next thing you know,
people will start marrying
their dogs. Yeah, that’s a
natural progression. So you wanted
to see us? You’re damn right I did. I got
something to say to you two. This isn’t about the missing
terrycloth robes from your
last shipment is it? Because five percent spillage
is, like, industry standard. What?! No. Listen, Mars needs a big
event to draw attention to the various niceties and
pleasantries we have here. (retching) Welcome citizen, the some-you-can-eat buffet
is right through those doors. I’m holding a stock car race
here on Mars. (ecstatic)
Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod. And I’d like you to drive the Golden Pathfinder Casino
Lucky number seven car. Awwwwww yeah! Uh huh uh huh! Hold on one second Victor.
Before we commit,
what’s in it for us? So what I’m proposing,
is– We’re in! Woooooo! -Dallas: Uh huh, uh huh…
-(Victor laughing) Nice negotiating
with you gentlemen. -(tires screeching)
-Holy shit! Robo:How you doin’,
number seven?
Great. Just missed the slop. You’re not out of it yet. There’s a bunch of debris
on Turn 3, when you
come back around go low. Nope, scrap rolls down the
grade, gravity says I go high. It’s like physics or
geometry or whatever.That number-nerd
stuff you like.
No Dallas, trust me. Go low this
time. You’ll avoid the pickup. Alright but I’m gonna
lose some serious speed. -(tires screeching)
-(crashing) Yeah! Thanks, Robo.
Great teamwork, buddy. Whoa! How did
Moonshiner see that? She must have eyes like
a pigeon! Cock-a-doodle and do! I think the bird you’re
looking for is eagle, Gene.
Pigeons are virtually blind. (music) We re-jigged the ride height,
put it right where you like it. What do you think, Dallas? I think you’re fired.
Hit the bricks, asswipes. -What?! C’mon!
-We did the best we could. Well your best is garbage.
Get lost. Screw this. I didn’t want to
be on this damn team anyway. Fat Paul: I did. A little judge-y there,
Judy, don’t you think? Oh the work was just
fine, perfect actually. Their whole vibe was, pffft,
bringing the room down though. Glad to see the
ego’s back. Honestly, did it ever really
leave? Now help me find a
place to hide an oxygen tank. What?! Yeah, if the race gets
close I’ll just boost the
carb with some pure oxy. Dallas, we got kicked off the
circuit for cheating! And you
finally have a second chance. Yeah, a second chance
to win. If you ain’t
cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’. I did it! I did it, guys! We’re not done
talking about this. Oh, I’m sure you have a lot
more high-horsing to do. Now, I had to borrow some
more money from the Jenkins
brothers, but Moonshiner Trucking,
is now an official co-sponsor of the number seven car. Check out the livery. It says Monshiner. Sonofabitch! And tomorrow we have the photo
op with the senior citizens– Walkies no wheelies.
That’s my policy. And Tuesday you
have a urine test. I think you mean Fat
Paul has a urine test. …and next week is the
autograph signing at
the casino. Finally, people lining up
to praise me. And again,
walkies okay, no wheelies. That was some vintage,
old-school, racer-Dallas
bullshit right there. This is worse than the
day my birth parents
abandoned me at GameStop. We’re looking
at this all wrong. It’s good we
got fired. We used to be peons,
now we’re gonna be
peon-trepreneurs. Oh, I don’t even know
what that means! It means that if Dallas is
gonna be famous again, then you and me is in a prime
position to suckle off the sweet, sweet gushing
teat of fame. Like a pair of piglets. No. Criminy! Forget
the damn pigs. Let me
explain it to ya simple. This is you.
This is me. And this is all the
daggum money we’re
gonna make. Ooo! Kinda looks
like a pig nose. Exactly! All we need is
a good old-fashioned,
get-rich-quick scheme. Oh, how ’bout we make us
some Dallas t-shirts and
sell ’em to all the fans? Wait! Shut your
pie hole! I got it. We’ll make Dallas t-shirts
and sell those to the fans! Boy, you are good
with them ideas. (Victor laughing) Behold the alluring
power of a live spectacle. You’re welcome. Now if you’ll excuse me,
I gotta go water down
the top-shelf booze. Try not to piss
anybody off. Me? Please, I’m friendlier
than herpes in a whore house. Um, Dallas. My daddy said you were a good
racer, until you cheated. I got news for you kid,
everybody cheats. That’s why your daddy
goes on so many business trips. Next. What an asshole. (mocking) What an asshole. -(camera shutter snapping)
-What? Heh, heh, heh, heh! Dallas!
My second favorite racer! (chuckles)
that never gets old. Freddy Calhoun, my second
favorite human on Phobos. Wait? I’m the only
human on Phobos. Oh, you got me! I gotta say, you guys
exposing my fraudulent
trucking enterprise was the best thing
that ever happened to me. Once I got the
insurance money, I rebuilt all my robots
and turned Phobos into
a power station. Now I supply the wireless
power for all of Mars! Okay. Well. You want
an autograph or what? Oh, of course I do. Hey, did
you hear, I’ve got my own
set of wheels in the race. The Phobos Power
number one car! Hah! number one car.
Classic Freddy. Oooh! Can’t wait to see
the two big rivals back
out on the track again. Wait. Two big rivals?
Who’s your driver, Freddy?! Hey there, Dallie.
(clicks teeth) How you doin’? It’s Whiskey Johnson! Gene:…and that schoolteacher
ended up making a full recovery
Bill.
The only difference is now he
pees out of his tummy button. That story sounds
medically inaccurate, Gene. But the real story today is the
rekindled rivalrybetween Dallas Moonshiner
and Whiskey Johnson.
Keep your head in
the race, Dallas. The only thing in my head
right now is a colossal
hangover. -I got this!
-(crash) (tires screeching) (car accelerates) Contrary to all those TV
commercials you see on the Moon, -Mars is not for morons,
anymore.
-(applause) -(Dallas scoffs)
-(Whiskey Johnson chuckles) I missed you too, Dallie. So how’s Josh? He’s great. He’s bringing the
twins up for the race next week. I could have had him,
you know. Well, I highly doubt that.
You’re kinda not his type. Oh, really? Why?
My balls too big? (laughing)
Same old Dallas. Oh my God, are you guys talking
about Josh? I thought he was amazing in the
remake of “The Notebook.” Well, that’s kind of
you. He poured his heart
and soul into that role. Hey, hey, Dallas don’t look now
but Len Worthington, CEO of Gulp-N-Dump,
is sitting at table three. So? So, let’s go chat him up.
Maybe you can help me land
some of his trucking business. What? I don’t give a
shit about trucking anymore.
I’m a racer now. Oh, c’mon Dallas. I’ve been
doing all sorts of things to
help you get ready for the race. So stop doing ’em.
You’re fired. -I’m fired?
-Dallas: You stink at this
anyway. The only thing that stinks
around here is your attitude! And the atmosphere generators,
and the potato farm, not to mention
The Woodsman lives here. Heh. Right Robo?
This whole planet stinks. You know I can’t smell.
We’ve gone over this ad nauseam. Get your Dallas
Monshiner t-shirts! Hot off the press and
technically, never been
worn before! That’d be 20 dollars sir. That fellar looked like
the ghost of Colonel
Sanders’s abusive father. It’s Monshiner? And I’ve
been saying Moonshiner
this whole time. I dunno dude,
I got it off the car. What the hell are you two
doing outside of my casino? Selling some hot racing merch. I get 20 percent of all profits. Cool! That means we all
gonna be millionaires then. Gene:The number one, seven,
and five cars are three wide
at turn two.
This race ain’t big enough
for the three of us. Robo:Dallas, be careful.
-Dallas: Eh! (tires screeching) Bill:Whoa. Some people may call
that dirty racing, but up here
on Mars we just call it racing.
Looks like there may be
some oil left on the track. Oil is a lubricant
you know. A lot of your water-based
lubricants come in different
flavors. Now, my wife– Nope! No one wants
to hear it, Gene. (music) Hey. You sleeping? I’m pretending to sleep. We should go get a nightcap. We never go out the night
before a race, Dallas. You never go out the night
before a race. -Hey, what was that?
-Nothing. It’s just that I
can’t sleep. Butterflies. Honestly, I’m kinda nervous too. You see? I could use a drink
and you could use a virus. -I don’t know…
-Just one. I’ll just have one tiny,
itty-bitty, baby drink and you’ll do one
itty-bitty, teensy little
baby virus. We’ll sleep better. It probably would
calm my nerves. Right! Then we’ll come
back, sleep, be more
refreshed tomorrow. If you think about
it, it’s actually the
responsible thing to do. (doors opening) You cannot go out
drinking the night
before the race, Dallas. Bullshit. I can do
whatever I want.
Now go back to bed Ellie. No, it’s my job to make sure
you’re ready for tomorrow. Welp, not anymore.
I’m firing you. No you’re not. Now listen to me,
I’m your cousin and I will not allow you
to sabotage your shot at
racing again. Look, I don’t need you to
tell me how to live my life. I especially don’t need
you to tell me how to
prep for a race. But Dallas– Stop acting like
such a bitch, Ellie. -Like a what?!
-You heard me, Pollyanna. I don’t need you.
I don’t need any of you! (Ellie sobbing) I got my viruses!
Hey, what’s going on with her? Eh, probably just her nerves.
Now let’s go get faced. -Faced?
-Uh, one drink. Let’s just get one
tiny drink. -(doors opening)
-(Ellie sobbing) Oh my gosh! Should we go
see what’s wrong with Ellie? Let me give you a piece
of advice, Fatty P. Never ever try and comfort a
woman– they will call the cops. You now what? I’m gonna
make a mental note of that. Smart. So what are you
gonna do with your share
of the t-shirt money? Well, I always dreamed of going
back to school and finally
getting my Jr. High diploma. Listen. I got two
words for you–
Waste. Of. Money. And time. I’ll tell you what I’m
gonna do. I’m gonna invest
in a full back tattoo. Man, you got all
the good ideas. Picture this,
Lauraleen in a t-back thong riding on top of The Lauraleen
cruising by Mount Rushmore. But instead of all the
boring-ass presidents
carved into the mountain, it’s four supermodels. Tits a’blazing. Man, that sounds
so patriotic. One, two, three, shoot! (computer beeping) Ah, woo.
How do you feel, Robo? I feel really good, Dallas.
Feeling loose. ERROR 560 See, you’re less
stressed about the
race tomorrow, right? -What race?
-That’s my boy. Whoa, I see some
things never change. Listen Whiskey, the only
thing that needs changing is your tighties after I
blow your damn doors off. (laughing) Trash talk. Real fun stuff. But in
all seriousness, go easy. We wanna’ give the fans
a good show tomorrow. A good show?
Racing is life– (glitching)
l– lll– life!
ERROR 437. Hey! We got Dallas
Moonshiner over here.
Can I buy you a shot?! Welp, we gotta give the
people what they want. It would be rude not to. (rock music) -Dallas: Wooooo!
-Crowd: Shot! Shot! Shot! (belching) (Robo grunting) Everyone: Execute!
Execute! Execute! (computer beeping) ERROR 560 (choking, spitting)) -Woooooo!
-Woooooo! Dallas: Alright everybody,
to the Waffle House! We’re all gettin’ scattered,
smothered, and covered. You’re gonna kick Whiskey
Johnson’s ass tomorrow! Damn right we are! I’m gonna wipe the
smug look off your
smug face! Smuggo! (glass breaks) Holy shit Robo, I got
the all time number one
best idea in the whole world. Let’s do it, D-bird. -(spraying paint)
-Stop twitching so much, Robo. You’re messing up my art! Huh. Kind of looks
like The Woodsman now. (police siren chirps) Oh shit Robo, act casual. Dallas: ‘Evening officers. Robo: Screw you, pigs! (music) (grunts) ERROR 437 Ah, don’t we get a
phone call or something? Officer:Not until you
sober up, ya rummy.
(slurring) Fine.
Just let me run my McAfee. (computer beeping) Okay. I’m sober.
Where’s the phone? Now that is some bullshoot–
bullsick– booshic– All right, all right,
time to calm down, Dallas. Oh great! Here comes
Nannybot 5000 back from
Nag Island! You’re a hanger on, Robo. You only like me
’cause I’m famous! Come on Dallas, you
know that’s not true. (retching) Bullshit! -(head clinks)
-(snoring) (music) (grunting) (gasps) No…
No, no, no no no no! Shit! The race. I missed
the race! Let me out!
Get me out of here! (scoffs) Oh God, what did I do? (footsteps approaching) Oh great, what is this? Some
sort of I told you so parade? No Dallas, we came
here to ID your body. Yeah,
I told them you died. Ellie, did she say we
get to be a parade? Shh. Shh. Shh. But seeing as you’re still
breathing and you fired us
all, we’ll be on our way. (sighs deeply)
Uncle Danny wait– Nooooo Dallas,
it’s too late. No, I know it’s too late,
but at least let me say
something. (inhales deeply)
I’m sorry, guys. Look, I really cocked this up.
And not just last night either. As soon as Victor wanted me
to drive, I don’t know what.
Something just took over. It’s not an excuse,
but that’s what happened. Ellie, you’re the sweetest
person I know. I can’t believe the things
I said to you. I’m sorry. Uncle Danny, you’re the hardest
working man I’ve ever met. When I screwed up everything
on Earth, you took me in.
I don’t deserve you. Fat Paul, you’re
such a great guy. And you’re always there for
me even when I’m not there
for you. I’m sorry buddy. And Woodsman… You know, you’re someone
that also is in the office… Um, you, you’re a guy. And, ah,
you drive a truck too… So you’re like a
coworker of mine. A coworker, huh? I appreciate those
kind words, Dallas. And Robo, you’re only on Mars
because of what I did back home. I know being here
puts you in danger. There’s a crazy white
cowboy out there hunting
you for Christ’s sake. I gotta be better
about keeping you safe. That’s bullshit, Dallas. You
know we keep each other safe. Uncle Danny:
Thank you, Dallas. I always considered us
Moonshiners more than just a
crummy family, we’re a team. So you think when I get out
of here, I can still have a
job driving a truck for you? (laughing) Yeah,
of course you can dummy. But you got a race to
win first. What are you talking about?
The race started five
minutes ago. What? No. That clock’s busted.
The race starts in two hours. (excitedly gasping)
Oh, really?! Oh yeah. So, what do you think,
Dallas? You ready to race? (retching) I am now. (music) -(music continues)
-(crowd cheering) Hey Danny, if you’ve got all
your money in this car, how’d
you get the cash to bail me out? Heh. You’ll have to ask
Fat Paul. Woody and I have been selling
these Dallas t-shirts. And we used all our
profits to get you out. You like em? Uh, what do you say we just
keep this a sincere moment? I like em too. Ohmygod! Ohmygod!
Ohmygod! Ohmygod!
It’s Josh! (gasps) He’s so much
hotter in person! Ellie, c’mon,
you’re being ridiculous, no human being could
possibly be that good– Ho-ly shit. (women giggling) Welp, I was wrong,
carry on Ellie. Hey Victor, I was thinking. After I win this race, why don’t
you and I take your car down to
Earth and make some real money. Hell no, I’m gonna take that
car and mount it right in
the middle of my casino. I’ll put a bunch of slot
machines under it. I’ll
make a million bucks. We get twenty percent, right? (laughing) yeah, right!
Ah, I love those guys. Aw, I can’t believe that
short-sighted– Dallas, focus. Don’t let
anybody get in your head. This is what we’ve been
working for this whole time.
We’re racing again. You and I. And this is our
chance to do it right. Hell yeah ya big lug!
Let’s kick some ass today. See ya out there,
number seven. I’m so excited to see
my two favorite racers
live and in person. I don’t wanna hear it,
Freddy. Not right now. It doesn’t matter if you
win or lose Dallas, you’ll always be my
number two favorite racer. Alright that’s it. I’m
gonna wipe the track with
Whiskey Johnson’s limp dick. I’ll bet anything on it.
Anything I own. My steering wheel?
My ponytail? What?
Name it. Well, I’ve always had
a little flutter in my
heart for your truck. Fine. Whiskey wins,
you get The Overdrive.
I win, I get your race car. Well you got yourself
a deal there. (blows raspberry) Idiot. All right guys!
Let’s bring it in! I love you guys, you know I
couldn’t do this without you.
Moonshiner on three. One, two, three… All: Moonshiner! (music) Bill:It’s come down to
a two-man race.
Whiskey Johnson
in the lead
with the infamous
Dallas Moonshiner
about a half lap back.
With just five laps to go,
the yellow flag’s out, and
we’re racing under a caution.
Both the number one
and number seven cars
have time to make full
pit stops as we head into
the final stretch. Speaking of full pit stops,
Bill, I’m gonna step out to
the pisser here for a second. -(grunting)
-(drilling) (grunting) You got fresh rubber and
just enough gas to get there. Hell yeah, Ellie. (drilling) Is that, Bright Eyes? -Nah.
-(bangs on trunk) -Ellie: Moonshiner!!
-(tires screech) (button clicks) Crap, I hit the damn lap button. Bill:Wow! That’s a record
pit stop for Moonshiner.
And now she has a real
shot to take over the lead.
You did it, team! Now I’m
gonna finish this off. Time to hit the oxygen
boost and take the lead. Whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought
we said we weren’t cheating. We were going to do
this the right way. What? I thought the
right way was code for
the oxygen boost way. Are we not on the
same page here? You know you can beat
Whiskey Johnson fair
and square. You know it! Robo, this is our one shot. I
blow his doors off and we’ll
be racing on Earth again! We all know you’re a better
driver than he is, now prove it. Prove you’re not what
they say you are. Robo… Robo:It’s your decision,
Dallas. I trust you to
make the right call.
Damn it Robo. Alright Whiskey,
let’s see what you got. Bill:The white flag is out and
we’re going into the final lap.
Whiskey is still in the lead
but Dallas Moonshiner’s
making her move.
As they round turn four
and head down the final
straight away,
you can forget about the
Betty Crocker Cup Series,this finish will determine the
best racer in the solar system.
(Dallas accelerates) Oh, she did it!
Dallas took the lead!! Shit yeah! Shit yeah! Go baby! Go baby!! I knew you could do it seven! Oooh!! -(boost engages)
-(tires screech) -What?!
-(crowd roars) Bill:Oh my God! Whiskey Johnson
takes the checkered flag by hal
a length!
That was the single greatest
race I’ve ever called! Hey, I’m back from the
crapper Bill, what did I miss? You are really
something else! What?! It started as a
number one and ended
as a number two. That’s actually one
hell of a segue, Gene, as Dallas Moonshiner was
just beaten by her arch rival
Whiskey Johnson. You slimy son of a bitch.
You used oxygen!
You cheated! (laughing) Well,
of course I cheated! It’s an unsanctioned race
on Mars. Why didn’t you cheat?
What are you, stupid? (Whiskey laughing) Uh. Ooh. Hey Dallas… I know you didn’t win today, but you ran a clean race
and you totally redeemed
yourself out there. And you did it
the right way. I’m really proud of you. Um. I didn’t do
everything right, Robo. I actually did something really,
really wrong. That was an amazing race,
Dallas. Woo, I’m tingling! So, I’ll come by in an hour
for the pink slip and the
keys to The Georgia Overdrive? Heh, heh. Heh.
What’s he talking about,
Dallas? Um. (bikers yelling) Carol The Biker King:
C’mon! C’mon, settle down. Alright, babe! Now
what do we got in there? It’s dynamite! (laughing hysterically) (music)

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